i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize