final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
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