it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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