Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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