dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
