first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
