I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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