No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
