how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
