New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
