the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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