You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
