How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
