im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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