the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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