My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
