Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
is wine microwaveable?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
