She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
