Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
