did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
