You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
