My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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