Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
