I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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