Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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