alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
