His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
