I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
