dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
