Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
