it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
