i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
