Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
