I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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