I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
