I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
