just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize