the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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