Betty ford says i'm here all night
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
