I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
