Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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