omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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