If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You ruined the universe
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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