nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
