What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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