I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Randomize
