I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
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