I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
