we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
