did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
