I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize