I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
tell me about the fingering
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
