Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize