I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
