i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
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