My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
