So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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