I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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