My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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